aka I am feeling very emotional and I think the best way to deal with it is to post it on the Internet, obviously. Whatever. I know what I'm doing.
But... right now I am having some serious self-doubt and I feel like my self-esteem has been crushed.
Why? Lets look at what's happened in the last two years or so: Went to grad school, met some cool people, but didn't really make close friends and wasn't one of those people other people remember to remember. I was dumped and I don't reallllllly know why. Haven't had a date since, despite talking with several guys but ending up at a stopping point and I'm not sure why. Had my first job interview, didn't get the job and I don't know why. Had a second job interview, didn't get the job. Had an interview and a job offer but didn't take the job because at that point I had so many interviews and opportunities elsewhere that I preferred and was certain to get. Didn't get those jobs. Had many many many many applications, many many many interviews, many many second interviews, many in person interviews, and didn't get the job. Had a phone interview this morning at 7:30, hung up at 8:30, got an email at 10:30. Didn't get the job and I don't know why. Went out of town for an interview this past weekend but now probably won't get the job, and I don't know why. Sitting here getting rejection after rejection, some more painful than others, while my equally qualified classmates finish the first third of their clinical fellowships. And I have no idea why.
What I need to know is, is there something wrong with me, some gargantuan character flaw, some personality error that is keeping me... well, basically, unhappy and unfulfilled in my personal and professional lives? Is the plank in my eye so large that I can't even see myself around it? Am I that misunderstood? Am I that naive, that I don't realize this tragic truth about myself?
Or am I just a normal person, trying to achieve goals and find love and happiness and success, but struggling because that's what you do when you're in your mid-twenties? Are all these failures leading up to something wonderful, somewhere I'm supposed to be and some purpose I'm supposed to fulfill? What am I supposed to be learning during this time, that I can make many plans but the will of The Lord prevails? Are my dreams and goals just too far out of reach, or just not what I should be striving for?
Some days I'm not so sure of the answer. And I don't know why.
Maybe people are intimidated by your awesomeness :)
ReplyDeletetruthfully, I am wondering the same things for you. you are such a beautiful person inside & out that so many places and people would be lucky to have you. I believe someone somewhere is going to take the chance to give you a phenomenal opportunity. It's common to have that self doubt in a time of transition. your transition began a few months ago, but it is the biggest one yet... into the workforce with a "big girl's" job.
you might be self doubting yourself because getting that job is taking longer than you expected. patience will work wonders & if you feel yourself becoming down and impatient, refer to the Good Book and Great Word.
I belive in you & am praying for you!