Tonto-less

I am the Lone Ranger.
But without a horse named Silver, and without a pal named Tonto, and without a fun theme song.
Still, close enough.  I have cowboy boots.

Grad school, though, is a lonely existence. You don't really know people that well, because you haven't known them your entire life or even, at this point, for much more than a year.  There's not this huge history of experience and life to build a huge foundation.  And then, you're not really going to know them for that long, either; school is only 2 years, 18 months in the same place, to be exact.  Yeah, there will be reunions at conferences every once in a while, but then you're distant colleagues.  It's different.

And while I feel like I am friends with everyone in my class and I could easily have a conversation for a while with anyone, and I'm even close enough to a handful to expose some of my thoughts and air my opinions, I don't feel like I am a part of a group or that I have a person.  I have friends, but not a person.

I've been re-watching Grey's Anatomy while I work out, and Cristina and Meredith have their person in each other.  Their person they can rely on, can tell anything to, can vent to without fear of repercussion, can help and laugh with and solve problems with and just hang out with.  In junior high school, I met my people, Meredith and Christine, who became my person(s).  They're still my people, but it's different and difficult when you're 700 miles away, and everyone has busy lives and jobs and things.  In college, I had my person Heather for two years, and when she graduated, I lost my person, and for the next year I was either really lonely or really busy planning a huge convention.  Then, Joel became my person and more, and so even when I came all the way to Tennessee and it was lonely at times, I still felt like I had a person.  Maybe I didn't feel like I needed to have a person here, because I already had him to rely on.  I had a person, so I didn't need to spend time to find a new person.

But now, I don't have him and all my other persons are a zillion miles away, and I don't have a person.  My cat is my person.  As cuddly and cute as she is, she does not count as a person - she is a cat.

I'm not the kind to form deep relationships with many people.  I tend to be friends with a bunch, and really close to a very few, like two, people at a time.  I'm a private person in general, too.  Except for this blog, I suppose.  I don't have a person now, and maybe that's why I felt the need to create a blog.  Maybe that's why I tweet more and facebook more and write more - I've gotta have some outlet for all of those things that I would normally tell my person.

And you know what?  I'm terrified now that I will have a hard time finding a new person.  I am someone who needs a best friend, a best friend who is present and whom I talk to regularly.  And whom I listen to regularly!  But I am scared that I won't have the opportunity to find a person.  Colleagues will be colleagues, family will be family, and friends will always be friends, but they'll move away, or I'll move away, and they'll get married and have lives, or I'll get married and have a life.  It's not the same.

I am terrified that I won't have a person, but I'm also terrified that there is something about me, about my personality, that will make it hard for me to find a new person; something about me that makes me a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, a bad sister, a bad student, a bad colleague.  That's a little tangent, but it's there.

Anyway.  I'm glad I have my family, friends, and cat.  I'm thankful for so many blessings in my life.  But I'm lonely, and I don't like it.

The end.