Things I Miss: Part II

After I moved away from Waco, I wrote about things I miss about my life there. Because sometimes that little nostalgia bug comes to nibble at your heels and nags you until you're ready to buy a DeLorean and create a time machine.

Well, that sense of nostalgia for Waco, Baylor, and all the things I did there and that life still exists. Frequently.  But now that I have officially moved out of Nashville, with only one thought of going back in the near future, I am already aware of things that I miss, and things that I will miss.

I miss the weather. Beautiful powdery snow on my last day there, and only a few days over 100 degrees in the summer. A long stretch of days at my ideal of 68 degrees and enough cold days to make you appreciate the heat and enough hot days to make you appreciate the cold.

I miss the trees. Bright, vibrant colors all over the hills in the fall, and bountiful blooms in the spring. The smell of the purple magnolias and the mock orange trees as I walk to class. Actually appreciating spring for maybe the first time ever. But, no bluebonnets. So maybe they should work on that.

I will miss knowing my way around. It's frustrating to learn how to get around in a new town. It's probably even more frustrating to learn how to get around a new hospital.  I've gotten to where I can get lost and find my way back, or circumnavigate traffic, or correct a wrong turn, or just get where I need to go easily in Nashville. In Houston, not so much. Yet.

I will miss chatting in the student lounge. Those were some of the best times of the day - just sitting (and procrastinating a little bit) and solving the problems of the world, or complaining about the latest outrage, or airing opinions about the state of something important or trivial, or talking about Beyonce and Barbies and burgers. I will have colleagues in my work environments in the future, but I don't think it'll be the same.

I will miss all the opportunities I didn't get to maximize on while in Nashville. It's such a terrific city with so much to do, but because of time, company, money, and calorie restraints, I didn't get to do so many things that I wanted to. Although I had a great time and got to do a lot of really fun things, there is just SO MUCH more I wanted to do. I almost feel like I wasted an opportunity. But maybe I'll have a chance to go back some day. In the meantime, there's a lot to miss.

I already miss the accessibility to Cheerwine. What is Cheerwine? It's a delicious cherry soda from North Carolina that is sold in the southeast. And it's fabulous. I have two cans left, and I am saving them for days when I just need a little bit more pep in my step. I wonder if they deliver...

Things I won't miss? Obviously, the Worst Apartment Ever. The layout of the roads and places I need to go. The groups of a) hipsters and/or b) sorority girls in my way.

There's a lot more to miss than to not miss. Thanks for being great, Nash.

I <3 Music City.

Cool Runnings

Ya dead man? Ya, man.

Love that movie. I wonder if it's on Amazon Prime...hmmm...

Anyway. It's been a while since I've written, but I promise I'm not dead. I've just been busy, if you can believe that.

For example, today I spent an hour outside in the breezy 47 degree Nashville weather (it was actually really nice, but would be nicer if my heater worked so it wasn't also the same temperature in my apartment) trying to work on my New Year's Resolution.

My resolution this year came to me a few days ago, and I had to think about it for a while until I knew that I could do it. I'm still not certain that I can do it, but I won't beat myself up too much if I can't do it - I have other goals.

My resolution this year, henceforth to be referred to as NYR, is to run a 5K. Yay!

I don't have a specific race picked out or anything - I could be in Houston, or in Bedford, or in Whoknowswhere when I'm ready to do this thing, so I'm gonna wait and figure that out a little later.

I had decided about 8 months ago that I wanted to lose weight, be healthier, be more active, and not have a stroke before my time. Since then, I've worked pretty hard and lost 50 pounds, which is halfway to my goal. Maybe a little less than halfway, we'll see how I look and feel when I've lost 100 pounds. I don't want to get rid of all my curves! I mean really...

So my NYR is somewhat related to this goal, but my weightlossstrokepreventionmoreactivehealthierlifestyle goal doesn't have a time limit and I don't really feel the pressure about it, other than I'm sometimes impatient with myself. But basically, my NYR is related to wanting to be more efficient with my time. I can walk (really quickly) for 45 minutes to an hour and burn around 300 caloriesish and work up a sweat, or I figure I can run for 30 minutes and do just as much, if not more, good. I'm about to enter my externship and CF, so I need to be more judicious about the way I spend my time. I mean, I already walk the equivalent of a 5K every day in my walking workouts, it just takes 45 minutes. And I want it to take less time!

However, I have some misgivings about this NYR.

First, I kind of am angry at running. I feel like running was the start or a symptom of a personality change in someone that I don't really think turned out for the better, necessarily. So I'm resentful of running. I don't know if that's true or fair or if it makes sense, but part of me flares my nostrils (and you know what that means!) when I think about running. Or when I see people in all their bright neon gear that I secretly covet running down the street like it's the super easiest thing in the world. Nostril flare.

Second, it's going to require me to work out in public. I realllllllly like working out on my treadmill all alone in my apartment, where no one can see me or bother me. Running isn't so much possible here, at least not if I want to continue to have a floor between me and my downstairs neighbors. So that means I have to go outside, to a track, or on the sidewalks and roads. I'm just less comfortable with that.

Third, it's hard work. Turns out knowing that you should breathe in through your nose is a lot easier said and done. And No matter how much I might want to be able to just suddenly be able to run 5 miles, I can right now run for about a minute to a minute and a half without feeling like I'm going to die. Soooooo I have a long way to go.

Fourth, it hurts. Now, I have had IT band pain in my left leg since junior year of undergrad, thanks to marching band. I've had shin splints whenever I even think about jumping or running (OR DOING RUN-ONS) ever since, guess what, starting marching band in high school. So I expected those things to happen, but what I didn't expect was to have my right IT band start to hurt, and the insides of my knees start to hurt, and to be so sore that walking up my stairs to get to my apartment feels nearly impossible. Also, blisters. And after I bought the fancy socks! Lame. Literally.

It's for this reason, and this reason alone, my physical ability to continue to run, that I am not certain I can reach my goal. I have the motivation and time (once I figure out my new daily schedule on externship, etc.) and energy and such to train and do a Couch to 5K program and run a 5K, but I am not certain I can physically do it without being injured and sidelined for a long time.

I've been told I need some good shoes. I think I'm gonna go get fitted for shoes next week. It feels a little weird, because I'm not a real runner yet, but I do think prevention is the best path here. Especially since stuff started to feel not so good on Day One. But I'm learning how to stretch and trying to strengthen my muscles and taking things at a good pace, I hope.

I hope I can do it. I think I can. I hope I can.

Imma tear up this 5K before it tears up my body! Yeah!
^my new mantra

Anyone else doing something similar this year? Anyone want to join me on my C25K journey? Anyone have stretching or shoe advice? Life coaching? Any good jokes?

Oh, and I hope you all had a happy New Year. More on mine, and the weeks preceding it, to come.

Born to Die

Hospitals all over the world are full of doctors and nurses working to help babies live, and parents who are hoping and praying that their babies take just one more breath. Infants are born sick, too early, full of disease and/or injury, multiple medical problems, and with low chances of survival in too many cases. While healthy babies are born every day, every minute even, many babies are not healthy. These infants, with their sweet little feet and soft fuzzy heads and dimples on their hands, are balancing between life and death. They are at risk of not only failure to thrive, but failure to live.

Medical professionals work endlessly to help these babies survive, because these children were born to live. Born to have full lives, with friends and family and futures. Born to be a younger brother, to be a first grandchild, to take piano lessons, to love to play basketball, to excel in school, to be funny and clever, to find love, and to have babies of their own. Their parents have plans and hopes for these new little lives - plans that include living and enjoying life. These babies, even those so sick they won't get to, were born to live.

Now, look back to 2000+ years ago, to another baby and another set of parents. This baby was born healthy. Ten fingers, ten toes, a lusty cry and no trouble feeding (I hope!). His parents must have had high hopes for his life, similar to those of parents today: love, laughter, and life. 

However, this baby was not born to live. As healthy as he was, as ready to live as he was, this baby was born to die.

A child and a king, full of hope and promise and fulfillment of promise. And while so many other babies are born to live but have to fight to do so, Jesus was born healthy but born to die. A perfect child, the kind any parent would wish for, the kind so many parents yearn to have, was sacrificed so that we could live. As parents fill the hospitals and pray their child's heart will beat just one more time, Jesus' Father willingly sent his healthy, whole, perfect son to Earth to die. To die for us so that we can live.

A baby changes everything.

Balance

In voice therapy, we try to educate patients about how efficient voice production works.  It's basically a combination of three systems - the breath and lungs/respiratory system, the larynx and vocal folds, and the resonators and articulators of the mouth and nose.  When these three systems are working correctly, with power coming from the air and not from the muscles of the larynx, voice can be easily produced.  For this to happen, all three systems have to be balanced, without one working harder or overcompensating for another.  It's a difficult balance to achieve if something goes wrong, or if the balance is interrupted somehow, by a variety of causes.  The purpose of voice therapy is to recalibrate and rebalance these systems to get them working as efficiently as possible.

As hard as it can be to achieve balance in voice production, it is definitely harder to achieve balance in life in general.  Sometimes I feel like I only have a finite amount of time, willpower, concentration, and memory to spread out in all the areas of my life that need this kind of attention.

For example, I feel like I can work out and eat right, but not get enough sleep or do schoolwork.  Or I can work really hard in clinic and do well, and then get the worst grade on a test I've gotten in years in class.  Or I can focus on saving money but then I end up eating terribly.  Or I can study hard but then feel like I am the worst clinician ever and I'll never be a good SLP.  Or I can do any of the above and not get enough sleep, or my friendships and relationships suffer, or I can't do my stretches and exercises for my neck, or I can't practice for my voice lessons.  It's like I don't have all that much to go around, and it all gets used up and there's not enough left for everything else I need to do.

It's frustrating, and sometimes I feel very off balance and spread thin.  It's not going to cause muscle tension dysphonia, but it's uncomfortable and I don't like it.  I don't know what to do to recalibrate myself and balance everything appropriately.  I feel like I already try so hard to take care of everything I need to and try to get my priorities in order, but then everything gets out of balance anyway and I just can't win.  It's not like there's an exercise like we use in voice therapy that can restore the balance and retrain my brain to maintain the balance.  I suppose the solution could be either magically having more time in the day (which isn't going to happen) or just being okay with letting some things go, and being okay with being unbalanced.

Balance was easier on teeter-totters on the playground in elementary school.

Sunday Songs: Summer is Over

I went to a Jon McLaughlin concert last week.  I just love him.  It was a great concert, he's a funny guy, and I think his music was better live than on his albums, which is not necessarily something that always happens.  And he's just really good looking, too, which doesn't hurt at all either. The way he plays the piano and sings really demonstrates his knowledge of music theory and the vocal arts, which is always nice, when you can tell that someone didn't just fall into making music.  He's one of my top three favorite musicians (Gabe Dixon and Ben Folds being the other two) and I would totally go see another concert any time.

This is a song from his most recent album, a song that, as he put t, is a terrific breakup song and pretty much wrings your heart out until it feels better.  And then he goes on to sing one of the sweetest love songs ever.  Nice juxtaposition. 

But anyway, I enjoy this song and although it's bittersweet and the line "your eyes were green, and we were too" gets me nearly every time, it's beautifully written and poignant and, whether you need a goo dbreakup song or not, it's just a good one.

This version includes Sara Bareilles as a duet.

And this, for your bonus entertainment, is his song I'll Follow You, which is the sweet love song I alluded to earlier.  Just listen, see if it doesn't make you tear up with all kinds of warm fuzzies and hope and all that fluffy stuff.  I like this song because it makes me think that someday, someone will feel that way about me and let me feel that way about them.  Looking forward to it.

Don't you just love music?

Enjoy.

The Great Sorority in the Sky

Today, one of the founders of my sorority passed away.  Wava Banes Turner Henry and a group of young women at Texas Tech University decided that a love of music and music education and service needed to be officially recognized in the form of a sorority dedicated to the service of college and university bands.  What started as a small group at Tech, after a few tough years of war and red tape and waiting, became Tau Beta Sigma, a national organization with over 200 chapters and thousands and thousands of members.

My sisters and I mourn Wava's passing today, but we are also incredibly grateful for her influence and that she had the audacity to make a group of women into something more than bystanders.  The fact that TBS was founded 66 years ago means that, in 2007, I got to rush Tau Beta Sigma and meet my best friend.  In 2008, I got to join Tau Beta Sigma and meet my sisters.  In 2010, I got to plan a district convention for over 900 students coming together to learn how to better serve college bands.  In 2010 and 2011, I got to lead a group of sisters as President and learn about myself and about true sisterhood in the process.  In 2011, I got to represent the sorority I love as a Homecoming princess and bring campus-wide recognition to our group.  In 2011, I got to say "see you later" to my sisters, but know that I would never have to really say "goodbye."  In 2011, I got to travel with sisters to National Convention and celebrate music, bands, and our sisterhood with the likes of Janet West Miller and Wava Henry and countless numbers of others dedicated to the same cause.  In 2012, I will get to reconnect with my sisters at Homecoming and remember some of the best times of my life with those who share a bond that doesn't really change.  And through it all, I got to play, work, and best of all, serve the band together with my sisters.  Tau Beta Sigma, and college band, changed my life, without question.

Without the work of Wava and her group, and the further work of the founders of the Iota chapter at Baylor, none of that would have happened.  So today, I want to honor Wava and try to follow in her footsteps and stay a member of Tau Beta Sigma "until I join the Great Sorority in the sky" and always have the "fortitude and courage to see an ideal, to seize upon it, and follow it wherever it may lead [me] in Tau Beta Sigma" and in life.

Tonto-less

I am the Lone Ranger.
But without a horse named Silver, and without a pal named Tonto, and without a fun theme song.
Still, close enough.  I have cowboy boots.

Grad school, though, is a lonely existence. You don't really know people that well, because you haven't known them your entire life or even, at this point, for much more than a year.  There's not this huge history of experience and life to build a huge foundation.  And then, you're not really going to know them for that long, either; school is only 2 years, 18 months in the same place, to be exact.  Yeah, there will be reunions at conferences every once in a while, but then you're distant colleagues.  It's different.

And while I feel like I am friends with everyone in my class and I could easily have a conversation for a while with anyone, and I'm even close enough to a handful to expose some of my thoughts and air my opinions, I don't feel like I am a part of a group or that I have a person.  I have friends, but not a person.

I've been re-watching Grey's Anatomy while I work out, and Cristina and Meredith have their person in each other.  Their person they can rely on, can tell anything to, can vent to without fear of repercussion, can help and laugh with and solve problems with and just hang out with.  In junior high school, I met my people, Meredith and Christine, who became my person(s).  They're still my people, but it's different and difficult when you're 700 miles away, and everyone has busy lives and jobs and things.  In college, I had my person Heather for two years, and when she graduated, I lost my person, and for the next year I was either really lonely or really busy planning a huge convention.  Then, Joel became my person and more, and so even when I came all the way to Tennessee and it was lonely at times, I still felt like I had a person.  Maybe I didn't feel like I needed to have a person here, because I already had him to rely on.  I had a person, so I didn't need to spend time to find a new person.

But now, I don't have him and all my other persons are a zillion miles away, and I don't have a person.  My cat is my person.  As cuddly and cute as she is, she does not count as a person - she is a cat.

I'm not the kind to form deep relationships with many people.  I tend to be friends with a bunch, and really close to a very few, like two, people at a time.  I'm a private person in general, too.  Except for this blog, I suppose.  I don't have a person now, and maybe that's why I felt the need to create a blog.  Maybe that's why I tweet more and facebook more and write more - I've gotta have some outlet for all of those things that I would normally tell my person.

And you know what?  I'm terrified now that I will have a hard time finding a new person.  I am someone who needs a best friend, a best friend who is present and whom I talk to regularly.  And whom I listen to regularly!  But I am scared that I won't have the opportunity to find a person.  Colleagues will be colleagues, family will be family, and friends will always be friends, but they'll move away, or I'll move away, and they'll get married and have lives, or I'll get married and have a life.  It's not the same.

I am terrified that I won't have a person, but I'm also terrified that there is something about me, about my personality, that will make it hard for me to find a new person; something about me that makes me a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, a bad sister, a bad student, a bad colleague.  That's a little tangent, but it's there.

Anyway.  I'm glad I have my family, friends, and cat.  I'm thankful for so many blessings in my life.  But I'm lonely, and I don't like it.

The end.