Look at me not freaking out

you don't bother me, sucka!

A little over a year ago, this headline would have really freaked me out. These days, not so much. I read the headline, read the story, and moved on, just like I do with all the other stories in the paper. Folks, for me, this was a big deal.

For about four years, I suffered from a phobia called emetophobia, or fear of vomit (of others) or vomiting (myself or others). Like all phobias, it was irrational and consuming. The dictionary defines a phobia as: "an extreme or irrational fear or aversion to something." A phobia is more than a fear - it defies logic and explanations and attempts to assuage it, and can persist sometimes even more forcefully when you don't want it to.

I think the causes of this phobia were threefold: 1) seeing someone get really sick, 2) being on a Courtside trip to Lubbock (worst trip ever, Lubbock sucks) with basically half the band getting sick everywhere, including one of my roommates, and 3) having gallbladder disease and being sick myself daily for about 6 months. For whatever reason, this perfect storm brewed in my head and decided to become a phobia.

With this phobia, I would nearly hyperventilate when I thought about someone getting sick. I would want to skip class or a meeting or rehearsal or work or whatever if someone there was sick. If I heard that someone was sick, like they said "ugh I'm sick" on facebook or something, I would *have* to know the details to know what kind of sick and where they thought they got it and to make sure they knew that they are contagious for at least two weeks, etc. I told my boyfriend that I wouldn't kiss him for two weeks if he got sick. I wouldn't go to a great restaurant on a vacation because it was next to a college campus and probably had many employees from the college campus where there had been a bad sickness outbreak. I couldn't watch tv or movies without closing my eyes and ears if someone unexpectedly got sick. (I still don't get why that happens so much in movies - like Pitch Perfect, what is all that about?? That's not entertainment, that's gross, man.) I had nightmares and couldn't sleep. I carried around Pepto Bismol and Immodium constantly, and popped a ginger tablet or Pepto if I felt the least bit off.

Y'all, it was bad. Thinking about it now, I realize even more just how bad it was. I think it was a large, yet silent, resentful, un-talked-about element in the demise of my relationship, and I know it affected my job as a leader and student. I hate hate HATE that the thing people remember most about me from the last two years of college is this phobia. I am so much more than that.

I'm sitting here crying as I write this.

But I can gladly tell you that today, my phobia is down to a minute percentage of what it was. These days, I still wash my hands correctly, because most of the world doesn't and I think you're an idiot not to, especially when working in healthcare. I still wash fruits and vegetables, because you're supposed to. I still make sure my chicken and ground beef and pork is cooked to the correct temperature, because you're supposed to and I'm not a seasoned (pun!) enough cook yet to eyeball it. I still clean up the kitchen - not with a sponge! - after cooking with raw stuff, because you're supposed to. I still try to keep hot foods hot and cold foods cold within the correct span of time, because you're supposed to (I still don't understand how cream cheese icing works out in room temperature, but I love it and I don't care). I will always avoid going to the bathroom on a plane or charter bus, because they're gross and I don't feel like being jostled while I pee. I still like to take my shoes off, especially hospital shoes, when I come home, one because it's cleaner dirt-on-the-carpet-wise and two because I have a cat who lives on the floor and sleeps on my pillow. But I feel like, especially when compared to what I used to do, all those things are pretty normal, or are things that you're supposed to do to stay healthy.

I don't know what it was that made it go away. Prayer, for one. Being inundated with gross things working at a hospital, for another (my first day in acute care, I was doing a cognitive eval on a guy while a lady was throwing up her guts next to me. kept going, like a pro. bam.). Watching people vomit in a hospital. Making people vomit. Holding the basin while someone who hasn't eaten in two weeks vomits up barium. It happens.
Maybe the shock of being single and wondering how much this phobia impacted my relationship. Maybe just growing up. I don't know why, but I am glad that it is (mostly) gone. No, I will never think vomit is funny or like it and I will still groan when I have kids and one of them gets sick because I know we *all* will get sick and there's a lot of clean up work to do, but I don't think I'll ever have this phobia about it again.

And now you know.

Entertain me

Now that I've finished my trunk, I had to move on to other projects. In other words, I am kind of bored this summer and have excess decorating energy so it has to come out somewhere.

My old entertainment center is from Ikea and has been through four years and two states and moved a few times and has just had it. It was never meant to last forever. 

I found this entertainment center in Rockwall for $60 and got it on sale for $36. It's good, solid wood and in terrific shape. Nothing wrong with it at all. 

Primed it, since that's what you're supposed to do and I am too lazy to sand. Never primed before, but it was easy and I think it really helped. However, every little dot of white showed through if I didn't paint it well enough. And y'all... I am a terrible painter. I did *not* paint this well enough. Like two coats later and there's still white showing through on the bottom of the doors, completely untouched by blue. How did that even happen??
I can do many things well. I can do many things not well. Painting furniture is something that I apparently do not do well. I don't know the right techniques to get it done efficiently and expertly. Which is why I cheat, using primer and antiquing glaze. Thank you, craft world, for helping me do things halfway.

It's kinda cute in the white...

So I decided to be all trendy and paint it blue, because that's what all the cool kids are doing these days. 

It was so blue! Very cute but a leetle too bright for my scheme. Too new to go with all my new stuff. 

Fortunately, I had my handy dandy antiquing glaze that is basically my new favorite thing. I lurve it. 

So I glad that sucker up!

Now it looks appropriately aged but still in good shape and niceness. 

Here's the final product: 

It's either coming with me wherever I move if it's local, or I'm selling it (probably) if I move to NYC. 

Isn't it cute?

The knobs are the same I used in my trunk. Continuity ftw. 

So there's my entertainment center! I have a couple other projects I'm working on that will be revealed soon.  

Way to go.

Yesterday, two friends from college got married. Apart from it having possibly the most adorable groom-waiting-for-his-bride-to-come-down-the-aisle moment ever and being held in a nicely redone old building downtown (good job, Waco), it was a really fun reading because there were so many friends there! Friends that I knew in college! Not just people I've only heard of! Not just people who were freshmen my senior year and I don't really remember or have that much in common with!

BA PA and soon-to-be CF-SLP

It was so nice to catch up with everyone and hear all about their lives. It was not so fun telling people "oh, I'm interviewing for jobs now aka I'm your typical millenial living at home and working part time while I wait for the right job opportunity" while hearing about their amazing lives, but I loved hearing how successful everyone is and how they enjoy what they do. Not only do people clean up nice and look spiffy in their wedding attire, but they also grow up nice.

But what struck me most was the makeup of table I was sitting at - one lawyer apparently doing a bang-up job, one BA PA who runs a clinic and makes a difference in so many lives daily, one nutritionist with a brand new job in her field, one almost-SLP about to get a job at a prestigious hospital, and three doctoral students who are in various stages of doneness who are making strides in important (or at least important-sounding!) research.

Apart from the staggering amount of money paid for all these graduate educations added up around the table, there was also a staggering amount of brain power and barely-tapped potential. Not to mention a whole bunch of letters behind those names. Looking around the table and participating in conversation, I was very proud of this group and all the other friends who were present or not present who are also successful or on the way to success. And I think one of the reasons for this was not only attending a great school (sic 'em bears), but also joining great organizations (tau beta sigma, kappa kappa psi, and bugwb) that helped us maximize our potential to grow into adults who can sit together at a wedding and revel in each others' successes. It's pretty nice. Good job, college friends. Keep up the awesome work.

Junk [in the] trunk

My trunk, in my trunk. 

This is more of a "how I did it and you should probably do something different if you decide to" than a "how to." Watch and learn, folks. 

Well, it's finally here. Finally done. The project of my summer. My trunk is finished!!

I bought an antique steamer-type trunk at a flea market in Mississippi. 

Originally $85, got it for $65. Winner. 

It was in good shape, but definitely needed some TLC. 

Nope, sorry, not you guys. 

So the trunk being all black and shiny doesn't really go with my aesthetic, not to mention the grody teal wallpaper lining the inside wasn't really conducive to storing things in the trunk. I didn't take a picture of the blue wallpapered inside, because I'm a dummy/I was too dirty from cleaning it out to stop and take pictures. 

It had these handles that the guy at Lowe's obligingly accidentally broke off for me. Under the handle is an example of the tealish wallpaper on the whole deal. I got really cozy with my scraper. 

I had to replace the bottoms of the drawers because they... well, they looked like this. 

So I painted the drawers and nailed some plywood on the bottom. 

Why there are fingerprints on it, I have no idea. 

Then I varnished the inside after it was all cleaned out and smoothed. 

Squeaky clean!

Then, I decided to paint the outside brown and do the trim in copper to give it some contrast and get it back closer to the original metal look. 

This meant I had to tape everything off. I am NOT good at this. 

There has got to be an easier way to do this. 

But it got all taped off and trimmed...

I'm obviously not so good at spray painting without a lot of overspray, either. Whoops. 

And this is where I just gave up taping. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

Then, I taped off what I had just painted and painted the rest a deep brown. 

Yup. Look at that pro finish right there. 

And then took a small brush to touch up basically every edge on the whole deal. 

Thank goodness that worked. 

And then it looked way too shiny and new, which is not what I wanted. So I made it look old and well-traveled, which it is, with some antiquing glaze. 

Fix it up and make it look new to make it look old. Men won't understand this. 

I finished up the drawers by putting fabric on the front and snazzy new drawer pulls. Getting the original handles off was a pill because they were barbed into the wood. 

Also not pro. But I also don't care. Hot glue ftw.

I hand-drilled holes for the drawer pulls. I do not recommend this. 

I do, however, recommend making a hole in the fabric instead of forcing the drawer pull through. Trust me. 

Yay finished drawers!

Put the drawers in...

Then I cut foam and covered it in fabric with hot glue. Then I glued the foam pieces into the lid to make it look padded and nice. 

My mom said it looks life a coffin. I dunno, you be the judge.

And it's finished!

So here's the completed inside:

Going to use it to store blankets and games and stuff. Also useful for hypnosis. 

And here's a few shots of the finished outside:

Bam. Trunk. 

I ended up spending around $100 for it total and many hours of labor, so I don't think I'll be doing this again any time soon. I could probably sell it for a good bit, but it's too much work to do that routinely. But I'm proud of my investment and work. It's definitely not perfect and I made a lot of mistakes, but I like it and that's what counts. 

So now all I need to do is 0) pray for a miracle, 1) get a job, 2) get an apartment, 3) move, and then finally, 4) use my awesome new trunk as a coffee table. Woo!

Gone

Well, it's been a year since my heart was broken and sad and all that, and for whatever reason I feel a need to commemorate the passage of time, but rather than write a long post oversharing to the internet about how I've felt and thought and things and whatever, I thought I'd express myself through music and stuff instead. So here, without further ado, is the last year in song:

Overall theme:
Gone.

July 6th, 2012
The Jaws theme. Because I know it's coming. Baaah-dup.

July-present
Well, I don't know what's going on but I have to trust God's plan.

Why don't I own this version yet??

This is one of my favorite songs. But dude cannot. sit. still. I don't even know why he has a piano bench.

The "wait, what? how did this turn into this? well, I did my best." phase:

The pianoness in the middle of this is just killer.

Then the sadness stage of grieving:

But isn't this song baller? I love it. I love them trying to outdo each other on the piano.

I was at a concert once and all the guy next to me wanted to hear was this song. He let everyone know about every three minutes as he shouted out his request. They never played it.

Adding to my to-do list today: 1. Lay on a mattress in the middle of a sidewalk. 2. Walk backwards everywhere. 3. Drive backwards everywhere.

The really really angry stage of grieving:

Also this video just makes me laugh a little.

Angry piano!!!!

The "woo I'm free and my friends are awesome and I missed them!" phase:

Who knew that Miley had a cover of this song??

The "aw shoot it's football season and I need to hang out with someone who loves Baylor sports as much as I do" phase, extending from football/marching season through basketball season, and basically into the rest of my life because it's pretty much a necessity:

It doesn't matter who I end up marrying or even if they know this song exists, this is going to be the last dance at the wedding. Because tradition. Duh.

The "I know what I want and this is it" phase:

This video is both kinda cool and kinda creepy. Also, why are they riding horses down the street?

Um hello. Sweetest song ever. Unless that title belongs to the next one:

Right? 

Dat hair.

And of course:

The "I'm going to enjoy my life and keep going, even if I get a little nostalgic sometimes or angry sometimes, working on being awesome and when I meet someone, that'll be cool, in the meantime I think I'm gonna hang with my cat and do nifty things and be awesome and hang with my friends" phase, which is now:

There's not really a song that expresses all that. But I like this one.

So calm-y.

So that's been my year. It had rough spots, like there was about a month when I couldn't really eat anything or couldn't sleep much. But it's also been good, because I've gotten to rely on God more and my friends more and really appreciate the relationships I have, which I don't want to take for granted. And I got a cat. And it turns out anger and sadness and moving on-ness and just being myself-ness and having extra time are all really great motivators for working out, too, so win-win. I don't know what's going to happen in my life, but I do know the next year will be better. So that's good, and I'm ready for that to start.

See ya, last 365. You're gone.

I love my eyebrows.

Confession: I wrote this post almost completely the other day but it didn't save automatically. It was much wittier. In fact, it may have been the most hilarious and interesting thing you've never read. I'm sorry you had to miss out. 

                  I'm watching you...

So I've never been a high maintenance girl as far as my appearance goes. In other areas, probably, or definitely, as ex-boyfriends might be wont to tell you. But in appearance, I'm pretty low key. I don't get my hair or nails done often or regularly (in fact, I just got my first hair cut in probably a year and a half) and I am most comfortable in jeans that mayyyy have been washed last a few days ago and any number of Baylor t shirts. I've always plucked my own eyebrows (so I have virgin eyebrows. Who knew your eyebrows could have virtuous qualities on their own) and never gotten them waxed or professionally shaped. 

But it always seemed to turn out okay. Once in junior high, a friend and another girl walked up to me as I was crossing the courtyard and the other girl exclaimed," wow! She does have great eyebrows!" I was obviously a paragon of eyebrow fashion even in the 8th grade. As a I recall though, I was also at the time wearing my black pleather pants and my American flag tank top to round out my super BA look. I was also most likely wearing my retainers because I thought they made my teeth look nice and shiny. I even wore them on picture day. I was so cool, you guys. 

Anyway, with this history of apparently legendary eyebrows, I've never felt the need to pay for anyone else to mess them up. Enter Groupon, which excels in making people want to pay for things they wouldn't normally buy because IT'S SUCH A GOOD DEAL! And it is. But there was a Groupon for eyebrow threading, which sounded interesting, so I thought I'd give it a try. Who knows, maybe if I have my eyebrows shaped, I will suddenly become a magnet for tall nerdy contact-wearing males with a passion for Dr Pepper and a defined brow. (Ps if you know anyone who fits this description...)

The threading took all of like 3 minutes. I stretched out my eyelid and they started ripping away. It hurt more than plucking but felt like a bunch of plucks at a time. Which I guess is accurate. And they did all on the sides and ends and above and all those places I never get to because I either can't see because I'm blindish or because I'm bored or in pain. It wasn't pleasant, but wasn't making my butt turn into legs in the chair either. 

My brows tingled a good bit for a while but not bad. My brows looked really good! A very subtle but refined difference. Didn't really change the shape I had going, just cleaned it up. The place I went has a loyalty points thing too, in case I go back. It's supposed to last two to three weeks, so we'll see how long it lasts. I think I already spied some stray hairs this morning, but I couldn't be sure. 

I don't know if it's something that I'll get done regularly, because I just don't care that much and I have other hairs to worry about, like the curly pile on top of my head, but it might be nice every once in a while, or for special occasions. 

In the meantime and in conclusion though, I kind of love my eyebrows. This means I find myself raising them above my sunglasses in the rearview mirror while I'm driving more often than usual. It's a driving hazard, sure, but that's the price you've got to pay for looking glamorous. 

Things I Miss: Part II

After I moved away from Waco, I wrote about things I miss about my life there. Because sometimes that little nostalgia bug comes to nibble at your heels and nags you until you're ready to buy a DeLorean and create a time machine.

Well, that sense of nostalgia for Waco, Baylor, and all the things I did there and that life still exists. Frequently.  But now that I have officially moved out of Nashville, with only one thought of going back in the near future, I am already aware of things that I miss, and things that I will miss.

I miss the weather. Beautiful powdery snow on my last day there, and only a few days over 100 degrees in the summer. A long stretch of days at my ideal of 68 degrees and enough cold days to make you appreciate the heat and enough hot days to make you appreciate the cold.

I miss the trees. Bright, vibrant colors all over the hills in the fall, and bountiful blooms in the spring. The smell of the purple magnolias and the mock orange trees as I walk to class. Actually appreciating spring for maybe the first time ever. But, no bluebonnets. So maybe they should work on that.

I will miss knowing my way around. It's frustrating to learn how to get around in a new town. It's probably even more frustrating to learn how to get around a new hospital.  I've gotten to where I can get lost and find my way back, or circumnavigate traffic, or correct a wrong turn, or just get where I need to go easily in Nashville. In Houston, not so much. Yet.

I will miss chatting in the student lounge. Those were some of the best times of the day - just sitting (and procrastinating a little bit) and solving the problems of the world, or complaining about the latest outrage, or airing opinions about the state of something important or trivial, or talking about Beyonce and Barbies and burgers. I will have colleagues in my work environments in the future, but I don't think it'll be the same.

I will miss all the opportunities I didn't get to maximize on while in Nashville. It's such a terrific city with so much to do, but because of time, company, money, and calorie restraints, I didn't get to do so many things that I wanted to. Although I had a great time and got to do a lot of really fun things, there is just SO MUCH more I wanted to do. I almost feel like I wasted an opportunity. But maybe I'll have a chance to go back some day. In the meantime, there's a lot to miss.

I already miss the accessibility to Cheerwine. What is Cheerwine? It's a delicious cherry soda from North Carolina that is sold in the southeast. And it's fabulous. I have two cans left, and I am saving them for days when I just need a little bit more pep in my step. I wonder if they deliver...

Things I won't miss? Obviously, the Worst Apartment Ever. The layout of the roads and places I need to go. The groups of a) hipsters and/or b) sorority girls in my way.

There's a lot more to miss than to not miss. Thanks for being great, Nash.

I <3 Music City.